Monday, August 22, 2011

Personal Post - caught between a rock and a hard place

I feel like I'm stuck between what I should do/what I'm expected to do and what I want to do/know I can do.

image here

To the few IRL (in-real-life) friends and family that read my blog, I realize this seems to be coming out of nowhere, but trust me it's not. I hash over things in my mind for days or weeks before I even voice them out loud. 

I've gone through the past 20 academic years of my life in a sort of blind stumble. I'm currently on my 3rd post-high school degree, and to be perfectly honest I still don't know if I made the right choice. I've now gone from Fashion School to an Arts Degree to Teacher's College to ...? That's the big question. Sometimes I wish I was one of those kids that decided what she wanted to be in Kindergarten and followed that path without question. 

I'm about to face one of the scariest and hardest semesters of my life, and aside from being terrified there is an ever-growing part of me that simply does not want to do it. As much as I (obviously) love summer vacation and dread school starting, there has always been a part of me that looked forward to the coming year because it meant a fresh start and a new challenge. Not this year.

A year ago when I was starting Teacher's College I was excited and thought I'd finally found my niche in the world, something I would be passionate about and something that would make me want to work hard. Now a year later I'm not so sure anymore. I've learned that teaching is more bureaucratic hoop-jumping than creatively enriching the lives of students. I would be spending more time doing administrative work and pleasing 30 parents than trying to make 30 students love History as much as I do. It's disheartening. 

Unfortunately I don't live in a country of free education, and I've racked up quite a bit in tuition fees over the last 8 years. I've been lucky that my family has (so far) always helped me out financially, but at the same time I feel like I've had to do all of these things because they help me out. Does that make any sense? 

It may sound like I don't have a Plan B at all, and to a certain degree that's true. I've tended to live my life in a Plan A pattern, hoping for the best that things work out - and for the most part they have, I've been incredibly lucky. 

I do have a Plan B in the back of my mind, it's sort of been in the back of my head for years now, but it would mean making a pretty large commitment to something that once again may not guarantee me a job at the end. I'm in my mid-20's but that number is slowly but surely creeping into my late-20's (wow that's depressing) so I feel like at some point I want my life to start. I feel like I've been stuck in perpetual limbo for the last number of years, never really moving forward but not totally satisfied with the present either. 

So what it comes down to is that I really don't know what to do. I'm caught between a very hard rock and a very hard place. 

Kudos to you if you've actually read this far, I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head for a change.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Ella, I'm so sorry things are difficult at the minute. I find that the best thing to do is to keep talking about your options, hearing tons of people's opinions, and well... hopefully something will feel right..

    Hope you figure out what will happen next!

    M :)